


A Certain Darkness Is Needed

by wekingsandprettythings



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Autistic Character, Blind Character, Eventual Smut, Fluff, M/M, Meet-Cute, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Strangers to Lovers, stargardt disease
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-16
Updated: 2020-03-11
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:33:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 21,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22251892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wekingsandprettythings/pseuds/wekingsandprettythings
Summary: the universe is cold and dark and cruel, but so is life. It’s cruel to people in different ways, but sometimes it can be kind by pulling some of its victims together.in which Phil is an autistic astronomer and Dan is a blind poet who comes to the planetarium he works at.
Relationships: Dan Howell & Phil Lester, Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 61
Kudos: 126





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was written with a lot of research:  
> Batman - This American Life, The Making of Blind Men by Robert A Scott, and my own experience with having autism spectrum disorder.

People have been saying for as long as they’ve been falling in love on this planet that soulmates are two people made of the same stardust, that when you find your person you’ll know. It’s like the stars aligned and everything just makes sense.

That hasn’t happened for him yet.

And his job doesn’t help with the loneliness he feels either. Everyone loves to come to the London Planetarium for dates. He’s seen so many first kisses, old married couples and anniversaries there that he can’t even count them. He just sits behind his little desk taking tickets for shows, trying to be happy for everyone else.

It was almost the end of his shift on a Tuesday night, there was only 1 show left for the day and no one to watch it. He sighed and took his phone out from under the desk to scroll through Instagram to pass the time. He did that often, almost too often if you asked his boss Carol.

Only one person was looking around, a rather tall and cute guy and his support dog. Nothing for him to worry about, nothing he had to meticulously watch over. The man had 45 minutes to look at as much as he wanted to before Phil shut everything down for the night.

Except, the man was clicking. He made a mouth pop noise with this tongue as he walked around the exhibits, almost like he was trying to communicate with the dog but it wasn’t paying attention to him. Phil watched him do it for a while, watched him click when he was near stuff and then move out of the way.

Phil walked up to him carefully, “good afternoon sir,” he greeted him with a smile.

“Oh hello,” the man said, slowly turning to him.

“How are we finding everything today? Any questions?” Phil asked, more chipper than he wanted to be.

The man sighed, “well, I won tickets to the show here today at a charity event, and I thought I’d come to see it,” he said before laughing, “but I don’t know why someone donated tickets for a fuckin' laser light show to a bunch of blind people.”

“Oh,” Phil replied, shocked at his blatant honesty.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to snap it’s just sometimes I wonder if people think before they do things, it would be like sending a deaf person to a puppet show without an interpreter, it just doesn’t make any fucking sense.”

“It seems incredibly insensitive of the person who donated it,” Phil agreed.

Phil felt dumb for not thinking this man could be blind because he didn’t have a cane or sunglasses on like the typical portrayal of blind people. The man looked completely normal, then again, blind people were normal, they were just lacking sight, not the ability to be normal. He wanted to beat himself up for being just as equally ignorant to this man, but he also didn’t want to just leave him alone in this place.

“Yeah, so now I’m here and I don’t know why.”

“Well, no one else is here and nobody is probably coming in. If it’s not insensitive for me to ask, would you like to come and sit in one of the showrooms and listen to the light show, it’s kinda descriptive,” Phil offered.

“What kind of shows do you have?” he asked.

“The next show to start is moons beyond and counting,” he says with a smile.

“Okay,” he says, he’s also smiling and looking in Phil’s direction, but his eyes wander, they look past him more in the direction of the front doors.

Sometimes eye contact made Phil uncomfortable, so now he doesn’t mind that these big brown eyes, that were also just slightly cloudy, were staring past him in a direction that could be Phil. He took a moment to just look at his eyes as much as he could, they didn’t dilate with the light or get distracted by other movements in the room, they stayed fixed in one spot. It was interesting.

“I’m Phil by the way, we can look around at anything till the show starts if you want?”

“I’m Dan," he smirked. "However, it’s a little too dark in here for me to actually see anything,” he replied with a chuckle.

“Shit I’m sorry, you can touch some of the things if you want? Get a feel for how they’d look?” he suggested, “can I have your hand?”

Dan put out his hand and Phil walked with him over to the exhibit beside them, “you’re not really supposed to do this, but here, feel this,” he ran Dan’s hand along the side of a model, “this is a model of the Curiosity Mars rover.”

He ran Dan’s hand along the legs, “it has three wheels on each side and they all have their own suspension and traction control because the terrain on Mars was bumpy and unpredictable,” he explained.

“I always wondered how they looked, if they were just like cars or robots but she’s like a mix of both.”

“Yeah, she is, she moves like a normal car or off-roading vehicle would but she also has an arm with a camera on it to take photos.”

He kept smiling as he took Dan’s warm hand and helped him feel different models, it felt so wonderful to be helping. It was oddly similar to the feeling he felt when he took little kids on tours of the exhibits, it’s nice to see their faces light up with joy when they learn something new. Dan’s reactions were no different.

By the time they were sat in the showroom to hear all about moons, Phil had asked his co-worker, Sage, to watch the main room so he could explain things to Dan. he turned the sound down on the monitors so it wasn’t too overwhelming and handed him a pair of sunglasses.

“I won’t need these,” he tried to interject.

“I’m pretty sure that even though you can’t see, you don’t want your retinas to melt right?”

Dan put them on with a huff, “what about Halpert?” he asked.

“What?”

“My dog, what about his retinas?” Dan asked again.

“Oh,” Phil scratched his head, “um, if you feel safe with him staying outside with Sage we can do that?”

“Yeah, he’ll be okay with her, can you just take off his vest so if she plays with him so he won't get used to playing while on the job?”

Dan handed him Halpert’s leash, “of course,” he replied, “what breed is he?”

“He’s half corgi half golden retriever,” Dan smiled, “everyone says he has the cutest face on earth, I just know he’s fluffy as hell and my cleaning lady says he sheds like I have 4 dogs.”

Phil laughed lightly and knelt down to take off Halpert’s vest, “you’re such a pretty boy, aren’t you?” he said while giving him a pat on the head. He had all the same vibes as a corgi and a golden retriever but almost the face of a german shepherd, he was the perfect dog. He looked like a golden retriever fully stuck at puppy size for the rest of his life.

“Thank you,” Dan laughed.

“I’ll be right back,”

Halpert cheerfully walked out of the room with him, Phil watched his fluffy little heart-shaped butt leave the room in front of him. It was so cute he couldn’t help himself from giving him a good pat down before he handed him over to Sage, who did the same thing.

He announced himself to Dan when he came back, to not startle him or anything. “It’ll start in a minute,” he said softly.

“Is it super descriptive?”

“It’ll tell you the sizes of the moons and where they are and I think why they are the colour that they are. But I don’t think it’ll fully say exactly how they look but I can explain them to you if you want?” his voice was tender, not condescending like he imagined some people were when they talked to blind people. He wanted Dan to experience the world like everyone else.

“Why are you so nice?” he asked, equally as tender.

“I just feel like everyone should get to know about the beauty of everything in space. Even if you can’t see the moons, just knowing what they’re like and what they can do is enough to appreciate their beauty.”

Dan sighed lightly and settled into the seat, Phil sat beside him softly and put his glasses on too. “You know,” Dan said just a little louder than a whisper. “I haven’t seen the moon since I was 7 and I really miss her.”

“If you don’t mind me asking, what happened when you were 7?”

“I was diagnosed with Stargardt disease when I was 5 or 6, it basically made my sight deteriorate rapidly. Like basically during the day everything is blurry and I can see people and things around me as just black blobs. I permanently see in what you'd call peripheral vision. But at night or in dark spaces like right now, I can’t see anything.” he explained slowly like he was thinking over his word choice carefully. “And it’s rare, but as I get older I could become fully blind.”

“I’m sure that was hard to cope with as a child,” Phil said, not really knowing what to say. “Is it scary?”

“Not anymore, I’m so used to it, it’s been 21 years now that it’s been getting worse, so I’m used to it.”

The lights dimmed down in the room even more and Dan gripped the seat, probably noticing the extra darkness in the room. “It’s starting now,” Phil said softly.

“Okay.”

They sat in silence as the show went on. 25 minutes of one of the Royal Astronomers explaining the moons and their sizes and why they’re special. Suddenly it was less descriptive than he remembered, he didn’t realize how shit of a show it was till he thought of just listening to it. It was almost completely visual-based, and it made him a bit upset that Dan wasn’t going to fully know the moons the way he did.

The lights came back up and the music stopped and Dan turned to him once again, “that was cool.”

“Can I still tell you about some of the moons?”

Dan nodded back with a beautiful smile. One Phil was glad he got to see.

“All the best looking moons, in my opinion, belong to Jupiter. Even Jupiter itself is beautiful, it’s the same colours as the trans flag, white pink and a beautiful light blue. I love it a lot, but the moon Io was the first one in the show, it’s like radioactive yellow with green and orange creators.

"Callisto is a mix of black and burgundy and touches of teal. And all over she has scattered white dots varying in size that makes it look like a bunch of cities all left their lights on all over the moon.

"Ganymede is similar with the dots all over it, but she’s the same colour as the pottery clay you’d use in art class,” he explained, trying his hardest to use a memory 7-year-old Dan would have to explain them.

“Europa is my favourite, however, shes completely made of ice, so the surface is like a white and turquoise colour but there are lines and masses of red all over. The only thing I can relate it to is the scene in the last Jedi when they are on the snow planet and the ground is red underneath but-”

“I always wondered what that scene looked like, the audio descriptions made it sound weird, I could never understand what it looked like."

“Yeah, it’s like as they went over the snow and it got disrupted and the red crystal powder so it was dusted into the air. Like a rake turning over dirt in a garden but the dirt under is red. It was really cool.”

“Why is Europa your favourite?” he asked.

“I think she’s just the prettiest. And the most interesting because of the ice that covers the whole surface. Like what is under the ice? Is there flowing water? There could be fish and plants and so many things under the water that we have no idea about. It’s the only thing in our solar system that has a sign of still having flowing earth like water on it. Mars and the moon look like they could have had water at some point in history, but Europa currently still could,” he went off on a mini tangent, sometimes he felt bad for how excited he got about space around other people, but today he didn’t care. Dan seemed to like it.

“Holy fuck, do you think they have like Megalodons under the water?”

Phil laughed a little too hard, “I wouldn’t be surprised, it’s a whole moon of water the possibilities of water creatures are endless.”

Dan nodded and took off the glasses, almost too abruptly. “I've really had a great time, but I think it’s time for me to head home.”

“Oh, yeah of course,” Phil said as he stood up. “Let me go get Halpert for you.”

“Thank you.”

Sage was sitting on the floor with him when he entered the main lobby again. “So soon?” she asked sadly.

Phil nodded as he took the leash. “Let’s get you back to your dad,” he said softly as he clipped his harness back on and watched as Halpert went from playful to serious in just a few seconds. He was trained well.

Halpert rubbed his face against Dan’s leg and he smiled down at him. “Hi buddy, ready to go home?” he said in a cheerful voice that was so much different than how he was talking to Phil.

“Thank you for today Phil,” he said as he stood up. “It’s nice to meet someone who treats me like a person who wants to learn not as an inconvenience.”

“Any time you’d like to learn more about space or just to come talk about anything in general, you can come and see me,” Phil smiled at him softly, hoping that he’d come back.

“Would it be weird to ask for your number?”

“Not at all,” Phil smiled even harder as Dan took his phone out for Phil to tell him the number.

“I’ll get out of your hair now, thank you again, Phil.”

“Have a good rest of your day Dan,” Phil said as he watched Dan leave.

He clicked with his tongue again as he walked, he clicked more and more till he reached the door, he opened it for Halpert and followed him through it. It was interesting, he didn’t know why Dan did it. But it was interesting nonetheless.


	2. Chapter 2

For 3 days he checked his phone for a text from Dan. but nothing came in. from him that is, his mum had asked him how he was and his brother was booking tickets to go see her soon, and his roommate asked him to bring home milk. 

He answered every text, trying not to feel sad that they weren't the man he knew nothing about. 

Dan was just cute, and Phil hadn’t felt interested in someone like this in almost 10 years. The instant infatuation, thinking about someone's face, thinking about all the questions you’d ask them if you got to spend time with them. Even if Dan wasn’t gay or didn’t want anything more than interesting conversations with Phil, he was interested in having Dan in his life. 

He wondered if Dan liked him in the slightest, because while Phil’s main interest in him was the fact that he was cute, what could Dan see in him. No pun intended. Did he go home and think about Phil’s voice and the way he didn’t shut up about the moons and how he was hopefully kind and understanding to him? How would Dan have any interest in him if all Phil did was be a dork for the 40 minutes that they knew each other?

He stared at his phone, there was nothing to do on it. He sighed loudly and a little obnoxiously and slid his phone under his leg where it stayed pressed between him and the couch. 

“What’s his name?” Lindsey asked. 

He didn’t even realize she was over, but then again when wasn’t she at his flat. She was dating his roommate Adam and had been for the last 3 years. And for as long as they were dating and as much as she was at his place, they weren’t living together yet. It was weird to him that they hadn’t taken that step yet, he’s told them both that he’d be fine with her moving in and yet they still just had sleepovers. 

“What?” Phil asked, pretending he didn’t know what she meant. 

“I know that kind of sigh anywhere, you’re waiting for him to text you.”

He sighed again and patted the couch beside himself so that she could come and sit down beside him. “A guy came into my work on Thursday, he’s blind right and he was visibly annoyed that he didn’t know what to do in there so I showed him how to feel some of the models to imagine what they’d be like and I explained some of the moons to him after the laser show and he was so cute and so different and interesting, he asked for my number but it’s been 3 days.” 

“You’re too sweet some times,” she said with a smile. 

“I know, it comes back to bite me in the ass when I put myself out there too far.” 

“But he asked for your number, so clearly this guy liked how kind you were. I know if someone was willing to take their time to make sure I had an amazing experience with something, and not even just like them doing their job, but going above and beyond, I’d ask for their number too,” Lindsey said, sometimes she came in handy when he was overthinking. 

“Then why hasn’t he texted me?” 

“It’s probably overwhelming for him. My cousin Alex is deaf and before he found his wife, who isn’t hearing impaired, he was terrified to open up to someone and let someone into his life who didn’t get it.” she explained, “Like the way he explained it to me is that dating is scary enough as it is, but when you take a sense away, and you’re already so visibly vulnerable it makes it harder to open up to someone.” 

“I didn’t even think of that.”

“When you date someone, you openly give them your secrets and your fears and they keep that with them and they either hold onto them and treat you right and everything ends up okay or they hurt you and use your weaknesses against you. He said having that type of fear on top of his disability was terrifying. He didn’t know how to not see his disability as something getting in the way of his love life, he didn’t understand how someone could love him despite the thing that sometimes holds him back, but then he met Jana and she never saw him as a deaf guy, she saw him as Alex and she loves him as Alex but it took him a long time to understand that not everyone is going to see the disability and only care about that, that it doesn’t get in the way, and that he can and will have an amazing life.” 

“From what I know about him, he’s strong as hell. And he’s cute, and I really admire him even though I barely know him.” 

“Well, I hope he texts you, I like seeing you interested in someone like this,” she said with a smirk. “When was the last time you dated someone?” 

“I’ve never had a boyfriend, only hookups and weird attachment issues to friends who weren’t interested in me,” he said softly as he stared down at the couch, trying to not pay attention to how she’d react to that. 

She put her hand on his shoulder and rubbed her thumb on him softly. “I’ve been there, I know that all too well but I hope this works out, then we could all go on double dates.” 

“That would be nice,” he smiled lightly. “Being a weird 3rd with you and Adam is getting old and I think the people at the pizza place are starting to think we’re polygamists.” 

She smacked his arm, “I hate you.”

“I know,” he said as he reached over and hugged her lightly. 

Adam walked into the lounge then, sitting on the couch and joining them in a group hug. “I love you guys.”

“See this is why the waiter at Gino’s thinks we’re all fucking,” Phil said with a smirk.

“Excuse me?” Adam said, pulling back from them with the most confused and concerned face that Phil has ever seen him make, causing him and Lindsey to die laughing.

-

He spent the night doing self-care to try and forget about the handsome man that he met at his work. But his self-care revolved around his mind being empty a lot, he took a shower and thought about him. He shaved and thought about him. He cleaned his room and he thought about him. 

Between the spots of Dan thoughts, he thought about how annoyed he was that he was still single and sad and never finding anyone for himself. And as much as his chat with Lindsey was great, it made him think about himself and how truly scary it was to like someone again. 

Every single crush of his ended in disaster, no one ever wanted much to do with him and his facts and his strange mind. Too often he was told that he was too strange for people, that he was too attached to things and cared too much for people to adequately reciprocate the feelings. He knew why he got attached, he knew why he loved facts and learning and why when he fell for things, be it people or fandoms or anything, he fell hard. 

He’s autistic.

He was diagnosed with high functioning autism when he was 12. It wasn’t the worst thing in the world, it was a bonus in most aspects of his life. He could hold information like a sponge, learning was the easiest thing for him. It helped him get 2 uni degrees, it makes it easy for watching tv shows and never forgetting the plots. 

But he noticed sometimes it made him talk too much, and sometimes he didn’t understand when he was being too much. He was too interested in some things that didn’t need that much interest. He was either in 100% or not interested in the slightest, there was no middle. 

It was difficult, it made him hate himself sometimes when he noticed he had embarrassed himself or others. Sometimes in the moment, he knew he read the social queue wrong and couldn’t stop himself from talking and he’d think about it for hours or days. And now was one of those moments. 

He wasn’t sure if he was too intense for Dan, he didn’t know if all his talking and all his information scared him. Or if he read the queues wrong and Dan wanted nothing to do with him and was just being nice. 

He laid down in his bed, he turned all the lights off and pulled the covers right up to his chin to just sit there and overthink his situation. 

Only his family, Adam and Lindsey truly knew about his autism. It wasn’t something he trusted with people. Because as Lindsey said, trusting people with you’re secrets and your worries allowed them the pleasure of being able to hurt you with them. He hurt himself enough as it was when he over thought his autism, he didn’t need someone else doing that to him too. 

He always caught his thoughts saying the same thing; “I wish I was normal.” and then he’d slap himself out of it. Because he was as normal as he ever would be. He was his normal, he would never be someone else’s category of normal and that was okay. Maybe he’d never get to live the same life as some of his other friends but that didn’t mean he wasn’t living an amazing and wonderful life. 

He sighed and laid flat on his back to stare up at the ceiling. Nights with thoughts like these made him frustrated. And he hated it because he couldn’t just go get in bed with Adam and Lindsey and tell them about it, he couldn’t call his mum and tell her, he didn’t like the therapists he’d been to see lately, he was all alone in these thoughts. 

His phone lit up on his pillow then, right as he was about to overthink his way into his 8-hour slumber. 

Unknown number: hi, it’s dan from the other day. I haven’t texted because I don’t often like texting. I do voice to text, and if I’m going to say it out loud I might as well phone you, but I don’t want to just phone you out of the blue, so basically I’m texting to ask if I can phone you?

Phil read it and laughed at it, he just called him instead of replying. 

“Hello,” Dan’s beautiful voice answered. 

“I was starting to think you didn’t actually enjoy how annoying I was about the moon.” 

Dan laughed, “no, actually I loved hearing you talk about the moon, I was just worried that you’d find it weird that I wanted to talk on the phone.”

“I hate texting too, it uses too much concentration for me and I rather like do something and talk on the phone if someone wants to chat,” he said, easing both their minds in the process. 

“Good, because I genuinely enjoyed our time the other day,” he could hear Dan’s smile through the phone, he remembered it vividly, it was cute. 

“I did too, it was nice to be able to tell you about the moons, normally I have to read a script when I show people the moons show and it’s rather boring,” he giggled, he just felt overly happy suddenly to be talking to him. 

“You’re really smart, I could listen to you talk for hours.”

“Don’t say that cause I just might,” he laughed again.

“I’d let you, for real. It was the most fun I’ve had in a while, even if I didn’t show it.” 

“That’s okay,” Phil said softly, thinking about how much fun he had too. “I’m glad I came and talked to you when I did because you seemed pretty frustrated.”

“Yeah, I get irritated easily.”

“That’s valid.”

Dan laughed, “Thanks, you’re really nice to me and it means a lot. I don’t even know why you were so nice right away, cause I was kinda weird.” 

“Because everyone else that comes into my work is boring and you’re different, in a good way,” 

“Thank you, you’re different in a good way too.”

There was an awkward pause then, but even then Phil couldn’t stop smiling at the fact Dan actually messaged him.

“Being completely candid,” Dan cut into the silence, “I haven’t stopped thinking about how nice you were to me, and I wanted to know if you’d like to go out for coffee or pizza or something on Friday?” 

“I’d love to, yeah,” he said before even thinking it over. “Is there a place in particular that you like?” 

“There’s a place near my house that I like, I’ll send you the address later when we’re done talking.”

“Okay,” he smiled again. 

He liked how much Dan made him smile. Maybe he’d get to have something normal after all.


	3. Chapter 3

For a week he texted Dan randomly though out the day. As much as they both had a distaste for it, it was a lot easier than talking on the phone and being awkward. Their conversations were the same, hi, how are you? Good, you? Pretty good. How was work? Followed by small stories about their days. 

He liked Dan a lot. He was interesting, he wanted to know about him and he didn’t mind when Phil went on tangents about his day and interesting facts he learned, and he was actually fairly intrigued by some of the topics Phil brought up. So much so that he looked into things to talk to him about. 

For once he felt like someone was reciprocating feelings. And it felt amazing. 

He left work Friday afternoon with a skip in his step as he made his way home to change. Adam and Lindsey were in the lounge when he got in, they asked him what he was going to wear and if he was going to do his hair and helped him with his choices. He was almost done when he started to shake with nerves. 

“Mate, calm down,” Adam said, walking over to him to wrap him in his arms. 

Adam knew he needed a good hug when he was over-stressing himself. Just like Phil knew that he liked to have his back rubbed to calm down. The two of them have been through hell together for the last 10 years. He loved Adam, he’s always loved Adam. 

“Thank you,” he whispered.

“He’s going to like you, you’re caring and loving and wonderful and he’d be lucky to have you in his life.” 

“I’m lucky to have you in my life,” Phil replied with a smile. 

He met Adam when he needed a friend most, Uni was hard on him. It was hard for both of them. He wasn’t coping well being away from his family for so long and Adam, well, he was coping with becoming Adam. 

Adam was stuck in the girl’s dorms down the hall, transitioning slowly but surely over the course of their 4 years in York. The first year was hard, he was picked on and struggled but Phil made sure that he always felt comfortable in his dorm. He made sure he knew he was loved and cared for as much as he could. 

They got an apartment in their second year, he helped get him money for surgery and introduced him to his family and watched as Adam basically became Kath and Nigels 3rd son. Adam was his brother, his best friend, his person. 

Adam ran his fingers through Phil’s quiff to make sure all the loose hairs were in place, he dusted off Phil’s shoulders and straightened out his shirt. “There,” he said softly. “Handsome as ever.” 

Phil took a deep breath and looked into the mirror one last time. “I guess it’s time to go.”

“Where are you even going?” Lindsey asked, “just in case we have to come and save you.” 

Phil laughed, “I think I’ll be okay, he doesn’t seem like a murderer or anything.”

“That’s what they said about Ted Bundy and we all know how-” 

“We get it, you watch a lot of documentaries, he’ll be fine!” Adam cut her off, half annoyed and half wildly infatuated with her. The way he smiled at her like she was his world made Phil want what they had.

They all laughed together in Phil’s room then. It calmed him down quite a bit to just feel silly with his friends. “I’m going to Pizza Express, I think he lives near it and he’s most comfortable in places he knows.”

“Well, it’s almost 6 so you better get going, love,” Lindsey said with a smile. “We’ll be waiting up for you so let us know if you’re not coming back.” 

He smiled softly, “Thank you.”

“Go get a lover.”

-

He texted Dan that he was on his way, he sat on the tube and shook his leg anxiously as each stopped passed. Dan replied and told him he was there already, in a table at the back where the light was the best. 

When it was finally his stop, he got off and walked up the stairs and out of the tube station. The streets were still bright for an October night. He looked around and finally saw the sign on one of the buildings for Pizza Express. 

Inside he smiled at the hostess, she showed him to Dan’s table and sure enough, he was sat there looking beautiful with Halpert laying slightly under the table, calm and cute like he was the other day.

“Hi,” he said softly as he sat.

“Oh,” Dan smiled bright, “you made it!”

“I did, it wasn’t too far from my place.” 

“That’s good, I’m so glad you could come,” his smile was so bright it lit up the room. 

“I’ve never been here before, but all pizza is good so I’m excited,” he said, speaking for the sake of speaking because first dates are always scary and weird as hell.

Dan looked so handsome, his hair was curlier and laid on his forehead so softly. There was one perfect little curl that looked like a pig’s tail and he really just wanted to swirl his finger around it while he got lost in Dan’s eyes. 

He was doomed. 

He was falling again. Once again, like fucking always, he took a deep breath and closed his eyes lightly to calm down a bit. 

“You good?” Dan asked, taking him out of his head. 

“Oh, um yeah,” he struggled out, “just a little winded from the walk over here. I get kinda anxious in crowds too.” 

“I’m the same,” he said softly, “this spot should be good for you right? It’s in a bright spot so I can kinda shadows and shit but if it’s bad for your anxiety we can move?” 

“Oh no, it’s not busy in here, I feel safe it’s all good.”

“Okay good,” he smiled lightly again, a dimple on his cheek making an appearance and Phil loved it. “So you haven’t been here before?” 

“I don’t think so, but as I said, all pizza is good so I’m sure I’ll like it.”

“I like it because even their vegan pizza tastes good. It’s nice to save the planet and have something yummy,” Dan smiled. 

“My roommates’ girlfriend has tried to go vegan a few times and she’s shared a lot of the stuff she makes with me, it’s not the best,” he said with a laugh, “but a professional place like this will probably be much better.”

They were cut off by a waitress, she asked them what they’d want to drink and gave them some time for the menu. Dan already knew what he was getting, he said he’s been there every few weeks since he was a teenager. Phil, however, needed more time. 

Picking something to eat in front of another person made him anxious. He didn’t want to make a mess or embarrass himself. He ended up getting some kind of pizza with a salad in the middle of it that looked actually really amazing in the photo, Dan got one similar but with olives and vegan chicken, not things Phil was willing to try yet.

The food arrived and prompted Dan to take a bite and then say; “So I think this is the part where we get to know each other better.”

“You go first, tell me about yourself. As little or as much as you want.”

“Well, that depends. What would you want to know?” Dan asked, “and you can ask me anything. I don’t think you’re the type of guy to say anything inconsiderate or uneducated so I’m not worried.”

“If I do though please tell me, I would never want to hurt your feelings.” 

Dan’s smile got progressively bigger, “ask me anything.”

“Okay,” Phil said before taking a deep breath. “Why were you making that clicking noise at the planetarium?” 

“That is a bit of a long story.”

“I’m not going anywhere, I think we have time.”

Dan took a deep breath and let out a scattered exhale. Like he was anxious and thinking of where to start but he smiled again showing his cute little dimple on his cheek.

“When I was 16 I started getting into a lot of trouble because I was angry, and I’m still kinda angry, I mean like rightfully so, I can’t fuckin’ see,” he said with a small huff-like laugh. “I figured out as I got progressively blinder that if I made a clicking noise with my mouth I could hear the sound bounce off shit and infer how close I was to things. So I started sneaking out at night to be a kid and try and feel normal. In that summer I went from very intense burred vision to being told I had progressed to being basically blind and my Dad decided it was time for blind school so that I wouldn’t feel like an outcast but then even the fucking blind kids bullied me because I wasn’t blind enough.” 

“Is that a common struggle? Are you stuck between being blind but not blind enough often? I feel like that would be the most fucking annoying thing that could happen,” Phil asked, not knowing once again if it was too much to ask.

“Oh yeah, like with Halpert here, when I got him I was signing him up to do all his training and after I spent a few grand they told me I wasn’t blind enough for him to be considered a seeing-eye dog, rather they deemed him an emotional support animal,” Dan said with a certain sharpness in his tone that portrayed his anger perfectly. 

“That’s so dumb, like if you’re too blind for glasses in what world does that make you not blind enough for a support dog?” 

“It’s very dumb,” he agreed, “there’s a whole list of things in the blind community that pisses me right the fuck off, I’ve listened to countless audiobooks about the stigmas with blindness and the ableism by both the blind and the seeing that make my blood boil.” 

“I have never known anyone to talk about the stigma, but I’d love to learn.” 

The smiled at each other, Phil eager to learn and Dan looking like he was eager to explain everything in his mind. He looked happy, he looked the way Phil felt. Accepted, and appreciated. 

“The one that I’ve read the most on and agree the most with is how low expectations don’t allow people to grow to their full potential,” he explained with a smile. “And because of that, there is a stigma around blind people that whenever we do something good or cool or interesting the same thing is always said, ‘wow that’s so cool that a blind guy did that.’ and I didn’t realize that and how much it had affected my life till I was at the school for the blind being taught how to live with the disability instead of living despite the disability.” 

He was passionate about it, he was educated about it. And the best part was that he was so absolutely vocal about it. He hated how he was treated, he hates the stigma and he’s not going to let it affect him further. It was kinda hot to him to see Dan so passionate and riled up. 

“You’d think they’d want to teach you how to be your own person and not let it control who you are.”

“You’d think,” he agreed. “But what I noticed, and what I understood from this book I found when I was in college, The Making of Blind Men, is that a lot of schools and people who are paid by associations for blind people, they want you to see yourself almost like a burden to continue to make money from you. They want you to believe you can’t do things on your own and you’ll always need help so that you pay someone to always help you.” 

“That’s fucked up,” Phil said, he let out a breath and relaxed his shoulders and really thought of how many disabilities were really just a cash grab for other people.

“And once I realized that, I tried my hardest to do the most that I could for myself. I mean, I did live with my nan and she did help a lot. But I helped myself enough so when she passed away and I hadn’t gotten Halpert yet, that I could cope. And I’m proud of myself for what I’ve achieved even though people told me I couldn’t and outsiders can’t believe that I have.” 

“You’re so cool, not despite anything. You’re just cool and so proudly you, it’s so cool,” Phil spat out before even thinking. 

Dan chuckled, “thank you.” 

He never ever felt this instantly comfortable with someone. Life Dan was opening up to him so easily it almost made him want to open up right back. But if he knew anything from the way people cut him off in the past, he was going to keep himself locked up just a bit longer. 

“Tell me about you,” Dan asked, he had spent so long talking that he hadn’t taken another bite of his pizza yet. 

“Is there anything you want to know about me?” 

Dan bit his lip as he thought of what to say, “maybe describe what you look like?”

He laughed a bit to himself, “okay.” 

“If that’s not weird?”

“No,” he said softly, “it’s fine.”

“It’s either this or I can grope your face,” Dan barely said before laughing almost too hard. Having to take a sip of his water to calm down. 

He thought for a moment, he didn’t want to just say basic things. But he didn’t want to describe himself too much to seem like he was conceded.

“Um, I have dark brown hair right now. It’s naturally a reddish mousy brown so that’s the colour my eyebrows are. My eyes are blue but also a yellowy-green some days. I’m pretty tall, like 6’2. Very pale. I will burn if we’re outside for too long, but I also get freckles very easily.”

“You sound beautiful,” Dan said softly.

Phil smiled, he felt the blush beaming from his face. He giggled softly, not knowing what to say but squeaking out a measly, “thank you.”

“What else can you tell me about you?”

“Well, what would you like to know? I’m not good at leading in conversations, but if you ask me something I will answer it.”

“Okay,” Dan said, thinking over what he could ask. “What about, what did you do in school and why do you work at the planetarium?” 

“See, those are great questions that I’d never think of myself,” he laughed to himself. “But basically, I went to York for Meteorology and got my degree and then I did my masters in Astronomy. I did internships at the BBC and other news places but they didn’t think I had the best TV presence and office jobs aren’t really for me. So when I eventually moved here with my roommate Adam and the planetarium was hiring, I applied and I’ve been there for 8 years now.” 

“So you’re really into space and weather then?” 

“When I was a kid my mum bought me 2 books, one about understanding weather and one about the night sky. I read them almost every day before bed. I’d take out my weather book when it rained and we’d sit on the porch together and if I was lucky and there was lightning, I would try and identify what kinds it was,” he smiled to himself as he spoke. He missed being little with his mum. 

“That basically led to an obsession with learning about everything I could. I can retain knowledge like a sponge, my auditory memory is really cool to the point that I can probably recite everything you’ve told me today right back to you.”

“So you’re like a Spock or a Data then,” Dan joked. 

Phil laughed, “that’s a huge compliment, I loved Spock growing up to the point I tried to tape my ears at night so that they’d become pointy.”

“That’s so cute,” Dan awed. 

“But seriously, space is probably one of my favourite things ever. I love every show and movie about it, I read books about it and scientific journals for fun. So just a warning now, if you want to be friends with me or anything more, know that I’m a huge dork,” he said softly. Not really caring that he maybe went too far. 

“I like you, you’re honest and proud of who you are. It’s cute,” he smiled. 

Phil blushed again, he felt good about this. 

They talked more as they ate. About various topics that seemed to spread across movies to politics to God and it flowed so smoothly that you’d think they had known each other their whole lives. He never wanted the date to end. But it was going to.

“Would you want to walk me home?” Dan asked after he paid the bill.

“I’d love to.”

He watched Dan stand from the table and put his jacket on. “Come on Halpert, let’s get you home.” 

“Do you live close?”

“Yeah, just a block south in an apartment above a fish and chips place,” he said leading them towards the door, and down the street. 

He walked close to him, his arm brushed Dan’s and he slowly reached over to brush their knuckles together. Dan was the one to interlock their fingers, he held his hand tightly and ran his thumb gently across Phil’s. He couldn’t help but smile. 

Dan’s door was bright blue. It was between two shops and had its own small porch. 

“Can I kiss you?” Phil asked, rather sheepishly as they reached Dan’s front door. 

Dan smiled, and it slowly became a cheeky smirk. “I was actually hoping that you’d come in and do more than just kiss me,” he spoke just loud enough that Phil could hear him before he reached out and grabbed Phil’s shirt, pulling him in closer and moving in to kiss him. 

For someone that couldn’t see, he placed his lips perfectly onto Phil’s, nice and soft. 

“I’m going to unlock my door now,” he whispered against Phil’s mouth. “Are you down to come in?” 

“I’d really enjoy that.” 

“I have stuff I need to do before we can resume kissing, but I really wanna kiss you,” Dan said the second they were inside and the door was closed. 

“Okay,” he giggled. 

“Like we have to go up 72 stairs and into another door and I have to feed Halpert and put him in his crate,” he explained, “are you sure you want to come in?” 

“I don’t mind, I’d love to help feed him and give him a good petting, he’s too cute not too,” Phil said, holding Dan’s hand once again. “Come on, let’s go up.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> smut in this chapter so be warned :)

It felt overly domestic to watch Dan feed his dog and put him in his crate before locking the front door and walking with Phil to his bedroom. 

His house was so nice, it was open and clean and everything was organized to perfection. The walls were white and he had posters and paintings hung up. He mentioned he lives with his nan before, it’s clear that she made this place his home as much as her own. 

Dan pushed him against the bedroom wall, he ran his hands over Phil’s face and he looked at him while biting his lip. He meticulously learned his face, he ran his finger over the bridge of his nose and to his lips before resting on his chin, tilting his face up and kissing him.

It was very soft. His lips fit between his own, unlike any lips he’s kissed before. He pecked at him a bit before swiping his tongue against Dan’s bottom lip. Dan pulled himself closer to Phil, pressing against him and squishing him against the wall. The compression felt wonderful mixed with the kissing. 

Phil carefully placed his hands on Dan’s lower back. He was careful with every lover he ever had but he felt the need to be extra careful now. Not for pity, not because Dan is blind, but because it feels right. It feels so special and new, and softness, carefulness, tentativeness, those are all things he wanted when he slept with Dan. 

But that softness didn’t last long. Dan pushed his one leg between Phil’s and made out with him more and more intensely. It was happening so fast that Phil’s internal thoughts couldn’t keep up with the actions and he felt almost a little dizzy. 

Dan broke the kiss, kissing down his neck instead. “Your jaw is nice,” he whispered, “oh and your Adam’s apple,” he said before running his tongue against it. 

Phil let out an almost growl from his throat, tilting his head back to give Dan more access to kissing him. “No marks,” he said softly, trying not to moan. “I can’t have anything above my collar at work.”

“Fine,” Dan smirked against his skin. “I won’t suck on your neck.”

He ran his hand down Phil’s chest seductively till he reached his belt. Phil swallowed thickly as he realized what he wanted. “Can I?” Dan asked.

Phil nodded, his mouth was dry and he didn’t think words would come out, “hmm?” Dan asked again. 

“Oh yeah, yeah sorry.” 

“You nodded didn’t you?” Dan smiled. 

“Yeah, it’s just a little overwhelming,” he said softly. 

“We can go slow?” 

“It’s been a while since I’ve been with anyone,” he said honestly. More honestly than he’s been with anyone else. 

Dan leaned in and kissed him again, he smiled lightly into the kiss before pulling back again. “It’s been a while for me too.”

Phil kissed him then, pulling him back in and picking up where they left off. He liked the taste of his tongue, he liked how it felt against his own. He liked the feeling of his breath against him, how he ran his hands along his hips, and most of all he just liked the fact that Dan liked to kiss him too. 

Dan ran his hands down further, rubbing against his thighs and over to his crotch. As he did so he went over Phil’s phone, and he remembered what Lindsey said.

“Wait, wait,” Phil said, pulling back from the kiss and looking at him in the almost too bright room. 

“Did I take it too far? I’m sorry-”

“No, no you’re fine, I just promised my roommates I’d text them if I was going to be late or not coming back at all, I just need to text them,” he admitted.

“Okay,” Dan smiled softly.

Dan pulled back from him and walked over to his bed. He sat down on the edge while Phil took his phone out and texted a quick message to Lindsey. “at dan’s don’t know when I’ll be back.” he said, attaching his location and throwing his phone to the carpeted floor. 

He took his jacket off then, as well as his shoes and had them join his phone on the floor. 

“Are you taking all your clothes off?” Dan asked, “cause you just went from red to greyish white?” 

“I just took my jacket off, can you only see the blurry colours?” 

“I see only in peripheral vision, it’s like a black blob in the middle of my sight but around the edges, it’s very blurred and lets light in. It’s basically like if you were to hold a black plate in front of your face forever, focusing only on that and anything else just came in in a colourful blur,” he explained. “I’m glad it got worse over time because adjusting to it was easy. If it was sudden I think I would have lost my mind. 

Phil sat down beside him softly, “yeah that’s understandable. I think I’d have the same reaction.”

“Sorry,” Dan turned to him, “we were going to have a good time, I didn’t think I’d get sappy.”

“We can do whatever you want, we can stay up and talk or night or mess around or whatever, I think I just like spending time with you.”

Dan laughed a little before kissing him again, “let’s do it all.”

He pushed Phil back against the bed, the two of them slithered up the blankets and finally rested against the pillows. He placed his hand on Dan’s knee softly before Dan reached over and pressed his lips against his once more. 

Dan pushed him back against the pillows, his body pressed against Phil’s once more as if it belonged there. Phil ran his hands over Dan’s hips again, holding him in place and not wanting him to move away again. 

Dan caressed his face once more, resting on the side of his jaw, “you’re so soft.” 

“Thank you,” Phil smiled. 

Dan’s hand caressed his cheek again, “you said your eyes were blue?” he whispered. 

“Yeah.” 

“I bet they’re beautiful. I bet you’re beautiful,” Dan said with his voice so low, his breath hot on Phil’s face. 

Phil kissed him again then, forgetting going slow and the being careful. His hands ran over Dan’s back as their tongues became acquainted with each other once more. It was hot and intense and before he knew it Dan was reaching for the hem of his shirt, pulling back to take it off and throwing it off the bed. 

“Yours,” he panted. 

Phil struggled to get it off while he was still pressed back against the bed. Dan laughed at the noises he made as he struggled, trying his best to help him. 

As soon as it was off, Dan ran his hands down his chest. He felt the chest hair and smiled, he cupped Phil’s pecks and ran his thumbs over his nipples, making his skin break out in goosebumps and his stomach erupt in butterflies, or maybe arousal. They felt so similar. 

“You’re like really hot aren’t you?” Dan giggled. 

Phil laughed right back. “You’re the hot one actually.” 

“Really?” Dan asked, leaning down to kiss him again, kissing his jaw neck and then down his neck. “Tell me how hot I am.”

“Where do I start?” he whispered, he closed his eyes and arched his neck again at the pleasure. “You are handsome, in a jaw-dropping kind of way. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone as captivating as you.”

“Go on,” he said again, kissing down his chest, licking at his nipple then. 

“Fuck,” he swallowed hard. “Tonight at dinner, when you got angry, it was the hottest thing I’ve ever seen.” 

“Why’s that?” he asked as he reached Phil’s belt. Undoing it and getting Phil to lift his hips so that he could slip them off. 

“You’re powerful, opinionated, strong, it’s hot as fuck Dan.”

“You think that’s hot? Watch this.” 

He took Phil’s hard cock out of his underwear, he pulled the band of his boxers down and placed it under his balls. He gripped the base, kissed the head and then licked a stripe up the whole thing before taking it down his throat in one go. 

“Holy fuck,” Phil almost shouted at the feeling. 

It was instantly euphoric. It felt like someone shoved a white-hot iron down his throat with the way his body erupted in heat as Dan kept going. He was a moaning mess, his hands were in Dan’s hair, he felt like he was on actual fire. 

Dan pulled off with a pop. “can I fuck you or do you wanna fuck me?” Dan asked.

Phil pulled him back up to kiss his mouth again, “fuck me,” he whispered against Dan’s lips. 

Dan flipped him over then and pulled his underwear all the way off. He threw them by his shirt and pants and then reached into his side drawer. He felt around and finally pulled out a bottle of lube and a condom. 

Phil pressed his face into the pillow and stuck his ass out more. Dan lubed up a few fingers, he spread his cheeks and teased the cold wet finger over his hole. Swirling it in a blissful way that made Phil want to bust just from it. 

He pushed in then. Pumping in and out softly, slowly, in a sensual way that felt different from teasing but also not overly careful. He was good at this, really good to the point that Phil couldn’t control the sounds leaving his mouth. He added more, he used the same technique, he basically had Phil begging for it before he finally pulled out again. 

“Do you like it from the back?” 

Phil flipped over, laying on his back once more, Dan still on his knees, spread with Phil’s body in between him. “Can I ride you?” 

“Yeah, ‘course.” 

Dan got off the bed then carefully, he slid out of his pants and finally laid back down beside him. Phil flipped and leg over him and sat on him carefully. “You’re so hot.” 

“Thank you,” Dan said, running his hands over Phil’s thighs. “Can you find the condom again?” 

Phil reached for it at the end of the bed, as well as the lube. He tore it open and ran it over him, he was so beautiful he felt nervous by it. Dan lubed himself up, and rubbed the rest off on Phil, making him jump at the contact on his cock once more. 

“Whenever you’re ready,” he smiled up at him. 

Phil took him in his hand, directed him to his hole and sat down softly on him. Breathing out deeply as he did so, it was a stretch that he hadn’t felt in a long time. He missed it, he craved it, he was going to need more of it after this. 

Dan’s grip on his thighs tightened, his nails dug into him and he was biting his lip like he was holding back a moan. Phil leaned in once he bottomed out, chest to chest, he kissed his cheek. 

He rolled his hips then, and Dan finally moaned. It was deep and gravelly and hot as fuck, it made Phil rock his hips again and again till he was fully riding him. Dan’s eyes were closed, he moved his hands up to Phil’s ass to assist with his movements. It was the best sex Phil has ever had. 

He was so into it, he felt like Dan actually liked fucking him. For the first time, he felt like more than something someone was just going to use and throw aside when they were done. Dan looked like he wanted this, like he liked this, that maybe, just maybe, this wouldn’t be the only time they did this. 

“Fuck,” he breathed out, “kiss me.” 

Phil leaned in and kissed him, hot and wet, open-mouthed kisses that kept the fire inside him going. Dan reached for his cock then, stroking Phil in time with his movements. They were both getting so close, and so impatient for the impending orgasms. 

He kissed down Dan’s neck and the man went wild. “Oh Jesus fucking christ Phil, faster,” he moaned. 

Phil reached under him and held him close before carefully flipping them around. Dan found his footing on his knees and fucked into him with suck force he was seeing stars. Phil held his knees up while Dan just fucked into him again and again while he panted so fiercely Phil knew he was close. 

Phil reached to stroke himself, which prompted Dan to hold his legs up instead, giving him and elevated push in that made Phil shout out in pleasure before shooting his load all up his chest. 

“Fuck!” Dan shouted, releasing into him with one final deep push before he stilled. 

He twitched inside of him while he released completely, and Phil couldn’t believe how fucking hot he looked when he came. 

He pulled out and dropped down onto the bed beside him. They turned to look at each other, still breathing hard, “you’re good at that.” 

Phil laughed, “you did most of the work, you’re pretty good yourself.”

Dan kissed him again, smiling as he pulled back, “I’m going to clean up, did you want to stay?” 

“Yeah,” Phil smiled back. “I’d love to.”

Phil laid there on the bed, the lights all still on, Dan was still off somewhere in the apartment. He cleaned himself up with a towel Dan threw him before going to his kitchen. Phil got tired of waiting for him and slipped on a pair of underwear to go and find him. 

“Hey,” he said softly as he entered the kitchen. 

“Oh, Jesus,” Dan said, gripping his naked chest, and an equally startled Halpert sitting at his feet. 

Phil giggled, his tongue sticking between his teeth as he stared at how beautiful he was. “I just wondered where you went.”

“I needed to take all my medicine, I have like 4 to take each night,” he said, mildly annoyed. “But I’m done now, do you want some water or anything?” 

“Yeah, I’ll take a glass to bed.” 

Dan smiled and reached for a glass in his cabinet, he placed it under the tap in his kitchen and it automatically turned on and added the perfect amount of water to the glass. He handed it to Phil before grabbing his own glass and walking with him back down the hall to his room, the sound of the dog’s paws echoed as he followed. 

“Your house is cute,” Phil complimented it as he slid back under the sheets beside Dan. 

Once they were settled, he noticed that the lights were still on. They were intensely bright and he wondered if Dan slept with the lights on to be able to see the edges of his vision like he said earlier that night. 

Dan cuddled into him then, his head on Phil’s chest and his hand reached to hold Phil’s. He set his cheek on the top of Dan’s head softly and just listened to the sound of him breathing. 

“Hey, Dan?” 

“Hmm?” 

“Can we turn the lights off?” he asked softly. 

“Oh, fuck yeah sorry,” he said softly, “Hey Alexa, turn house lights off.”

The lights dimmed slowly till they were completely off. “Hey Alexa, set alarm for 10 am.” 

“Your alarm for 10 has been set,” she replied. 

Phil was fascinated by how much Alexa could do for him. “Is your whole house smart?” 

Dan nodded against his chest, “yeah, it’s taken years of saving up and installing things but it’s perfect now. My nan did a lot of renovations on it while I was growing up. It’s completely paid off and mine which is wonderful, but I think my neighbours hate me from how much renovations we did.” 

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah, but they were pretty annoying too. I think they were YouTubers.” 

Phil laughed lightly and watched Dan rise on his chest when he did so. It felt so amazing to cuddle in the dark together. And to just talk and get to know each other. He was really starting to crush hard on him. He settled into the bed more, his bones aching and his thigh muscles burning from all the activity he did. 

“I think I’m getting too old for casual sex,” Phil said softly. 

“Please tell me you’re not actually like 47 or something?” 

Phil laughed again, “no! Oh god no, I’m 33.”

“Ew, that’s still old,” Dan teased him. 

“Shut up,” he said, shoving Dan slightly. “How old are you anyway?” 

“29,” he said softly back. 

“That’s not too bad of an age difference.” 

“My last boyfriend was 40,” he admitted, his voice had gone weak like he didn’t want to talk but had to at the same time. “We had been together for like 5 years. It wasn’t healthy at all but it was nice to have someone you know?” 

“I’ve never had a boyfriend.” 

“Are you not out?” 

“I am, I’ve been out since college so like 12-ish years. But no one has ever wanted to give me the time to be my boyfriend.” Telling Dan his secrets and feelings was seemingly the easiest thing he’s ever done. 

Dan nodded, “I wish I never dated Ben. He was my only boyfriend, we broke up 2 years ago now. I got Halpert the day after we broke up.” 

“I hate being single, and I’m not just saying that to like tell you I’d want to be in a relationship with you or anything I mean that would be wonderful, but I’m tired of waiting to love someone,” he rambled before he could catch himself and immediately regretted it. 

“I get it,” Dan said, letting go of his hand to rub circles into his chest softly. “I think dating you would be wonderful too.” 

-

Sleeping beside Dan was the nicest thing he had done in a long time. He was so warm, like a personal space heater under the covers that held onto him so tightly. 

Sometime in the night, Halpert had jumped onto the bed and settled himself between their legs, in the little space that Dan wasn’t touching him. The three of them fit together like a perfect family. He loved it so much, it felt so right. It was so nice.

He woke up first and just sat there quietly. He lightly ran his hand over Dan’s back, their alarm hadn’t gone off yet and he didn’t want to wake him so early but he also missed him a little. 

Dan rolled off of him then, looking up at the ceiling with sleepy eyes. “Good morning.” 

Phil rolled to his side and looked down at him softly. “Good morning.”

Dan smiled softly, “did you sleep well?” 

“Yeah, did you?” 

Dan nodded, his smile getting bigger. “You’re comfortable to sleep on.”

“You have a nice dimple,” Phil said, poking it.

“So I’ve heard,” Dan replied. His voice in the morning was deep yet smoothe, Phil wanted to hear it forever. 

“I’m going to name it, can I name it?” 

Dan laughed hard, wheezing a bit and holding his stomach, “yeah?” 

“Okay,” he said, thinking hard about what to name it. “I think Derek the Dimple sounds good.”

“Derek it is then.”

Before he could say anything else, Dan put his hand on the back of Phil’s neck and pulled him down into a kiss. 

“My assistant is coming at 10:30,” he whispered as Phil pulled back. 

He frowned then, “Is that my cue to go?” he said softly. His voice was sad but he didn’t want to pout and make him feel bad. 

“I’m afraid so, but text me yeah?” he asked softly. 

Phil kissed him again, “of course.” 

They both got dressed, Dan kissed him some more. He gave Halpert some more hugs and rubs before he put his coat back on. He checked for his phone wallet and keys and stood in the doorway, not wanting to leave him. 

Dan kissed him again before he left. “So are we?” he asked. 

“Let’s have a few more dates, take it slow remember?” 

“Taking it slow,” he repeated with a smile. 

With one last kiss, he wondered back into the early morning London streets.


	5. Chapter 5

When he finally got home, he showered the sex off of himself and got right into his bed still buck ass naked. He wasn’t sure how long he fell asleep for but before he knew it, Lindsey was knocking on his door asking if he got in alright. 

He threw some clothes on as quick as he could and let her into his room. She was in Adam’s Star Wars pj’s and sat on the edge of his bed all giddy and excited to hear all the gossip. 

“I wanna know everything.” 

Phil smiled and sighed, he laid back on his bed and stared at the ceiling. “Come lie down then.” 

She laid beside him on the pillows and looked up as well. 

“He’s wonderful.” 

“He was that good?” 

He smacked her arm lightly as she laughed at him, “no, well yeah but I mean before all that happened he was so wonderful. I love talking to him, he’s so smart and educated in everything and he’s caring and intense and argumentative, but not with me, with the world.”

“You’re dating Dan aren’t you?” she asked softly, turning to him and looking at him like she knew everything. 

His stomach dropped at the look on her face. Somehow she knew him, and by the look on her face, she didn’t approve. 

“How did you know?” 

“He’s the writer I work for, I’m his personal assistant, that’s where I was headed right after you came in this morning, that’s why I couldn’t say hey,” she explained softly. 

“Fuck.” 

“He is wonderful, you’re right about that,” she said again, the same look on her face still not leaving. 

“Where’s the but?” he asked, scared for the answer. 

She pressed her lips together tightly, her face was overly sympathetic as she looked over at him. The sun was setting, his heart was beating way too fast and he was absolutely terrified that she was going to warn him that he was going to get his heartbroken. 

“What has he told you about himself, because I’m not going to be the one to tell you these things. You should make your own choices.” 

“I know about his nan, his blindness and when it started and what it’s like, and I know he dated someone named Ben who was older and not the greatest. He said it wasn’t healthy. That’s all he’s told me so far, but he said he wants to get to know me more,” all the words just fell out of his mouth in a panic, he didn’t know how to feel. 

“Okay well yeah, Ben wasn’t good for him and it wasn’t healthy and he was a wreck about it for like 7 months. He wrote a good book from it, however, and I don’t know if he’s recovered enough to let himself love you yet.” 

“He said we’re taking it slow. I also want to take it slow,” he explained, more to talk himself through his own anxiety than anything else. “He knows I’ve never dated anyone, he knew I was nervous. He was nice and gentle and caring. He really seems wonderful and I think the risk of a broken heart is worth it for him.” 

“So you guys?” she asked carefully. 

He nodded, “for a while, it seemed like we wouldn’t cause I was nervous and we just kissed then out of nowhere it got intense.”

“Don’t get me wrong, he’s an amazing guy and I actually think you’ll mesh really well together. You’re almost too perfect for each other, actually. But, I love you so much I don’t want you to get hurt,” she explained as she got in closer to him to give him a half hug, half cuddle.

“I think it’ll be okay.” 

She stayed cuddled up with him till Adam got home from work. He wandered down the hall and saw them together on Phil’s bed. He smiled, kicked off his shoes and climbed in too. 

“I brought home a Wagamama’s,” he announced. 

Both Phil and Lindsey cuddled right into him and hugged him nice and tight, “thank you holy fuck!” Lindsey said. 

“We’re gonna need it after today,” Phil said softly.

Adam sat up and looked at them, “oh no, come on, let’s go eat and talk it out in the lounge.” 

In the kitchen, while they ate, Phil reiterated what he told Lindsey of the night before and what she had told him. Adam wasn’t shocked that Phil was falling for someone once again but he was shocked that the someone was Lindsey’s “boss”. 

“Why have you never told us about any of the people you work for?” Adam asked

She sighed and sunk into the couch more, “because some of them had me sign NDA’s and if I start telling you about Dan I don’t know how much will come out and my biggest fear is getting sued and losing this job.”

“What does he do that’s so important?” 

“He’s a writer. He bounces ideas off me, we discuss topics and I proofread for him. I know most of his life story that’s been written,” she said softly. “If I pleased I could publish what he’s not released in my own name. It’s a common fear for authors who have such close assistants, it’s basic protocol.” 

“But he’s a good guy right?” 

She smiled, “he’s really nice. He has a wonderful heart, and he’s very smart and understanding. I love working for him, he takes me to events and he’s the reason I was able to get in to see that really good therapist I went to, he’s great.”

Phil didn’t talk much, he was processing everything from the last 2 days. He was tired and overwhelmed and overstimulated. So when he placed his take out container on the counter and stumbled into his room without saying anything, they understood that he needed to be alone with his own thoughts for a while. 

It rained all Saturday night. 

Everything felt louder when he was alone. He could hear Adam and Lindsey talking through the wall, the rain hitting the windows, the cars driving through puddles on the street below. He could hear his own heartbeat inside his ears and the slightest ruffle of the blankets as his chest rose and fell. 

Sometimes hearing so much stressed him out. But tonight it calmed him, he realized just how real he was, what his life had become and how wonderfully happy he was. Dan had made him a little happier than he was before him. 

Being with Dan scared him a little, however. Instantly liking him and feeling this happy was often his downfall. He attached himself to anything that made him feel good. He became invested, he became obsessed. It had happened in friendships, flings, tv shows. Everything that’s brought him joy has eventually made him feel shame. 

He liked Dan. In a different way than he liked anyone else he’s ever met. He didn’t want to ruin this, he didn’t want to make this anything that Dan wouldn’t want. So while he sat there in bed thinking about him, he didn’t text him, he didn’t call him, he didn’t do anything that could push him away. 

He just let sleep take him into the next day.

-

Dan texts him goodnight every night now. They talk on the phone for most of Sunday night and everything seems good. He doesn’t know how to tell him about Lindsey so he just doesn’t. It didn’t feel like something that needed to be shared until things got intense. 

“Would you want to come over Monday night?” Phil asked softly before they hung up.

“I um,” he said, and Phil knew a no was coming. “I meet with my little brother on Monday nights. I work with big brothers big sisters.”

“Oh,” Phil was a bit shocked, “that’s amazing.”

“Not to get all sappy but I thought that I probably wouldn’t have kids of my own but I still want to make an impact in someone’s life and support them so this was the best option,” he explained. And Phil instantly fell deeper. 

“That’s so nice of you. What’s his name, what do you guys do?” 

“His name is Owen, he’s 9 and his mum is a single mum who’s gone back to college. So when she has her night classes on Monday’s, Owen and I go to the movies together,” Dan explained.

“What are you going to see tomorrow?” 

“There’s a re-showing of one of the how to train your dragon movies, that’s what he’s picked for this week.” 

It was completely dark, he wished that could be sitting beside Dan right now. Curled up with him once more, calm and warm and happy. Lightly talking till they fell asleep instead of talking on the phone, thinking of when he’d be able to tell Dan that he was getting tired. 

So he let Dan talk, and he listened. Dan went on and on about his work, how he was an author and had released a book last year when he really was more into poetry. It was hard for him to feel confident in poetry seeing as it was such an over-analyzed category of literature, it scared him more than anything else he could write. 

That was the last thing he remembered before he drifted off to the sound of Dan’s voice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for such a short chapter this week but next week and the week after are thicccc chapters i cant wait to share more with you all <3


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have so much pre-written that I want to share that I'm thinking I'm just going to start posting as I want to now <3 hope you enjoy it!!

Peeling himself out of bed on a Monday morning to go and talk about space for 6 hours was never fun. He got up at 6:45. He showered and had breakfast with Lindsey in the kitchen before brushing his teeth, changing and leaving for the tube. 

Today he has to do the voice-over of a show on the constellations, it wasn’t his favourite show but he has done it so many times he could possibly recite it in his sleep. 

It was a slide show of the 88 constellations, he had to give a brief intro to each one and explain their history or who named them. Typically he did this show for school kids on trips and old ladies who wandered in to get some time to themselves. That was his typical crowd, so they weren’t too demanding on learning, they often didn’t even really listen. 

He found himself saying his typical speech while his mind wandered off to Dan. Suddenly he wanted to relate everything that came out of his mouth to Dan. 

“Queen Cassiopeia, a boatful royal, she was the wife of Cepheus and mother of Andromeda. Ultimately, while claiming to be more beautiful than anyone else, Poseidon sends a sea monster to kill Cassiopeia. Upon requesting help, Cepheus is told he must sacrifice his daughter to the monster. Finally, after leaving the daughter chained to a rock, Perseus saves her. Nice parenting!” he tried his hardest to be cheerful and into it but it came out sarcastic and like he was bored. Which he was. 

He just wanted to be back in bed talking with Dan on his chest, getting to know him. 

“One of the oldest constellations, Ursa Major, the big bear is widely known across many cultures and mythologies. In Greek mythology, Zeus falls in love with the nymph, Callisto. However, Zeus’ wife Hera turns the nymph into a bear.” 

A bear. Brown and fluffy, tall and cuddly and protective. Aggressive, assertive, powerful. Dan was kind of like a bear. That made him smile to himself, pause and finally continue on with his practised and well-rehearsed speech. 

“Ursa Minor represents Arcas, son of Zeus and Callisto, representing Zeus’ affection. In fact, both characters morph into bears, hidden among the sky, protected from Zeus’ jealous wife, Hera.”

To look up at the projection and see the stars shape themselves like a bear, to then shape themselves into a pegasus and an archer, all beautiful majestic things that he wanted to relate to Dan. He couldn’t get that man out of his mind, it wasn’t becoming a problem, it’s not like he was saying things about him out loud or getting off track. It just made him miss him a bit more. 

The milky way was the last thing he touched on in the presentation and he couldn’t stop thinking about Dan’s eyes. His disease made them cloudy. They were brown but you could tell over the pupil there was a milky white that got in the way. 

It swirled, his eyes were bright and glistened in the light but they were clouded at the same time. They were beautiful and he just wanted to look into them for the rest of time. 

The thoughts of him didn’t stop after he was done his presentation. They followed him as he walked around the showroom. He remembered showing him around, how warm his hands were. How much he wanted to learn, just how absolutely wonderful he was. 

He was falling. 

Or rather, he had fallen. He fell pretty hard. 

-

When he finally gets home, he crashes on the couch and lets out a long exaggerated sigh in the hops that whoever was home would come out and see him. 

Lindsey: Adam and I are cuddling,,, there is room for 1 more. 

Down the hall, into Adam’s room, the two of them were laying on top of the covers still dressed in their work clothes as well. They must have just gotten in, they sometimes took the tube together, Adam would pick her up and they’d come home together. Especially when she worked till 6 like he did, and the streets got dark early and they felt safer when they were together. 

Phil was home later than he normally would be. He stopped at a ramen place that he liked to eat by himself and get some peace and quiet after dealing with kids all day. He thought he finally got Dan off his mind till he thought of him being out of his mind and pulled him right back into his thoughts. 

“After you guys had sex for the first time did your feelings for each other get more intense?” 

Adam laughed at his question, almost like Phil should know the answer to it already. “Yeah, I fell more in love with her that day.” 

“Cause I think sleeping with him made me like him so much more, and I’m not saying it was a mistake but, I’m so afraid that now I like him so much more than he’ll ever like me,” he said softly. 

“Come get in,” Lindsey said, patting the bed. 

He climbed in, he cuddled right into her. They fit like a family. This was his found family. Adam was his brother, Lindsey was his new sister. They were so happy together, everything was always perfect between them and he loved it. 

“He was very happy today,” Lindsey said softly. Calming him down. “I haven’t seen him this happy in like 2 years.” 

“Really?”

“Yeah, he was all smiles and he wrote so much today. I think you’ve both had a positive effect on each other.” She smiled and pulled him in for more of a hug. “I think you two are really great for each other.”

“I like how he makes you feel,” Adam chimed in. “but if he ever hurts you I’ll kick his ass.”

“That would be an interesting match,” Phil laughed. “He’s like 6’4 and kinda built he would destroy you.” 

“I’m trying to defend your honour here bud!” 

“I don’t need it, I kinda want him to beat me up.” 

“Ew,” Adam reached over Lindsey to smack him. “You’re so gross, this is my safe space be respectful.” he laughed again. 

This was his family. Sometimes it really hit him that these two wonderful people had been in his life for so long and they made his life so much better, he couldn’t imagine not having this. Coming home from work and climbing into bed and feeling safe and happy was a blessing not many had and he felt so blessed. 

Lindsey turned on the TV after they stopped giggling. They watched a few episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation together, all snuggled together and laughing at the absurd situations and how funny it was that every character was so incredibly horny. 

They were mid cuddle when Dan called him, he reached for his phone deep in his pocket and answered. “Hello?” 

“Hi Phil, could we hang out for a bit?” Dan asked. 

“Yeah, yeah I’d love to.” He sat up in the bed, “would you want to come over here for a bit or go back to yours?” 

“I’m just going to get some things from home and then come see you for a few if that’s okay?” 

“I’d love to have you over,” he smiled.

He explained how to get to his house, and as soon as they hung up he rushed out of their bed and tried his hardest to clean his room. He changed his sheets, he cleaned the bathroom, he made sure nothing was on his floor. 

He still had a few minutes, he sat down on the edge of his bed and he let himself get excited. He missed him, he wanted to look at him so badly and hold him in his arms again. He wasn’t scared of falling in love with him, he’d the only man who he’s ever wanted to fall in love with.

“Do we tell him?” Lindsey asked as he was about to leave the apartment and wait for him out front. 

“Yeah, I’ll tell him. Wait here when I bring him in you can say hello,” Phil said softly again, his anxiety eating him up inside. 

He closed the door behind himself and slowly walked down the stairs to wait in the main room. He was barely waiting 5 minutes when Dan walked in and took his phone out, probably to call Phil. “hi,” he said in a low voice as to not startle him, but starling him anyway. 

“You’re an ass,” Dan laughed, gripping his chest once again. 

Phil wrapped his arm around him for a hug, “Yeah, sure.” 

Dan held him close while Halpert nudged at his thighs, wanting to say hello too. He knelt down and noticed he didn’t have his vest on which meant Phil could give him a hug and a few pets before standing back up to see Dan’s smiling face. “Can I take your bag?” he asked.

Dan shook his head, “Nah, it’s okay. Show us the way.”

They walked up a million stairs together and stood in the hallway outside his front door. “My roommate’s girlfriend is over.”

“Okay?” 

“And she’s your assistant Lindsey. Once I told her about the guy I went on a date with she knew exactly who you were,” he explained. 

“Oh I love her, she’s wonderful,” Dan smiled, “is she sleeping? Can I say hello?” 

“Yeah, and you can meet Adam too, I’m sure they’re waiting behind this door to embarrass me in front of you.” 

Dan reached for the door handle and opened the door, he walked in and made another clicking noise. “New places are hard for me, make sure I don’t hit anything?” 

“We have an open concept room, I made sure nothing was on the floor and that the path was clear,” Phil said softly, Halpert guided him as best he could for a new place till they were in his lounge.

“Hi Dan,” Lindsey’s voice was cheerful as always. 

“It’s like you’re stalking me,” he jokingly said. 

“Don’t act like you don’t love me,” 

“Shut up,” he smiled wide. “Is Adam here too?” he said, leaning down to unclip Halpert’s leash and he ran right to Lindsey’s feet for a hug.

“Yeah,” Adam said, taking the hand that Dan put out to shake. “Nice to finally meet the man who pays a 3rd of our rent,” he joked. 

Phil sent him a death glare then, he regretted Dan coming over just slightly. 

“You’re welcome, she’s the best assistant I’ve ever had. She’s wonderful at her job.” 

“Okay it’s so nice that you all met now, we’re going to my room,” Phil announced, taking Dan’s hand and slowly making their way down the hall and into his room, Halpert following cheerfully behind them. “They’re a handful.” 

“I like them, I don’t have many friends, they seem like good people.” 

Dan took a few things out of his bag, a toy for Halpert, a small blanket for him, and a bag of dog food and a bowl. He poured it and set it on the floor for him. “We were at the cinema so long he hasn’t had dinner, you don’t mind do you?” 

“No I don’t mind at all, I love him he’s such a good boy.”

Dan put his bag down on the floor near the wall, he looked around and clicked again, “this is a big room.”

“Yeah, it’s okay.” 

Dan stepped in closer to him, he ran his hands down Phil’s arms with a small smile on his face. “Can I hug you?” he asked softly. 

Dan smiled and wrapped him in his arms, he rubbed his hand lightly over his back, “how was your day?”

“Long,” he whispered, holding Dan still. “But I’m glad you’re here.” 

“I really just needed a hug too.” Dan held him tighter. “Would you want to cuddle with me? In bed? Like we did the other night?” 

Phil nodded against his shoulder, “absolutely.” 

Dan took his coat off, Phil put it on the chair in his room. They stripped down to being in their shirts and underwear and climbed into Phil’s bed together. Dan was the little spoon, he pulled the covers up to his chin and just let Phil hold him in the dark.

“Are you okay?” 

Dan sighed, “sometimes being with my little brother makes me feel sad after, I love that kid he’s wonderful, but it’s hard.”

“Why did you pick Owen as your brother?” he asked softly, giving Dan the chance to rant and get it all off his chest. 

“My dad was a single parent, I knew what it was like to feel half loved. He deserves to feel fully loved.” 

Phil held him tighter again, “you’re such a wonderful person.” 

Dan rolled over inside Phil’s arms so that he could press his cheek against his chest and hug him in return. “Can I stay here with you all night?” 

“You can stay with me, always.”


	7. Chapter 7

Falling for someone fucking sucks. 

It’s Phil’s biggest fear and his worst nightmare to fall for someone so intensely again that he can’t stop getting anxious about it. Dan knows that he likes him. He knows that Dan has complicated feelings towards liking him back. It might not work and if it doesn’t work then he’s going to lose a friend that means the world to him. 

For 3 weeks now they’ve been sleeping at each other’s houses, they’ve been out for pizza and walks in the park with Halpert. They’ve slept together, again and again, Phil’s made him breakfast and Dan’s picked him up from work. He was in love with him. 

But they still weren’t officially dating. 

Phil left work Friday night that week with a packed bag of things to spend the weekend with him. He walked up the stairs into Dan’s apartment and set his things down. “Dan?” 

Dan walked down the hall and smiled once he entered the lounge. “Hi.” 

Phil wrapped him in his arms then, holding him as if he hadn’t just seen him 2 days ago. The cleaning lady had the day off today, it was clear because as he looked around there were plates on the counter, take-out containers from lunch on the coffee table and just a general look of untidiness that he wasn’t used to in Dan’s house. 

“Are you okay today?” he asked softly.

“Yeah?” he said, stepping back. “Why do you ask?” 

Phil looked around again, “it’s just a little messy.”

“Of course. I was wondering when you’d stop being perfect.” his words were cold and bitter and they hurt. Phil didn’t understand where the anger suddenly came from.

“What?” 

“Nothing, it’s fine.” 

“No,” Phil said, stepping back even further again. “It’s clearly not. Why are you so upset I just noticed it’s messy and wondered if you’re okay? I don’t clean when I’m upset, I’m not trying to imply anything else?” 

“I’m fine, everything is making me angry today,” he said, “nothing is going right.” 

Phil’s shoulders settled and he sighed lightly. “Do you want me to do anything for you?” 

“Nope,” he said, turning and walking back to his bedroom.

Dan had never been like this with him. He’d never told him about his problems or what stresses he was under. He was normally pretty nice to him. He mostly talked about things he was interested in and asked Phil about his day and they’d kiss for hours but like all good things, there was an expiration date. 

It was the honeymoon phase, typically that happened only for couples that were actually dating. But Dan didn’t want to date yet. He was still not ready, and Phil was okay with that as long as he got to spend time with him. 

He cleaned up everything in the kitchen. He often cleaned his own house when he was stressed out, and he didn’t want to leave and make Dan more upset. He threw everything into the trash, he washed the dishes and he searched under the counter for some disinfectant to clean the countertops and fully empty his mind from thinking that Dan didn’t want to actually be with him one day.

He let himself fall, he let himself get attached. He let himself get into the mindset that Dan was nice and special and that he wouldn’t hurt him. But now he was starting to feel like it was a mistake. He wasn’t good with conflict or understanding hurt feelings and he had no idea how to walk into Dan’s bedroom and pretend that he wasn’t anxious beyond his wildest dreams.

He didn’t want to get in trouble. That had been a fear of his since childhood. He never stepped out of bounds, he’s never been grounded, and he’s never done anything against the rules for fear of upsetting someone and not being his best. 

But sometimes you have to rip the plaster off and stand up for yourself. 

Down the hall and into Dan’s bedroom, he was sitting on his bed with his laptop on his thighs and an airpod in. “are you done fixing my problems?” 

“What the fuck is happening right now?” 

He shut his laptop, he put it on his bedside table and he looked at him with such a foul gaze that Phil felt his heart drop right to his ass. 

“I’m not a project for you to fix. I’m not here for pitty and for people to be sad for me. I’m so fucking angry that people see me as my disability first. I’m not a fucking blind person. I am a person who happens to be blind, I’m as fucking normal as everyone else and I don’t need people making me feel bad. I always feel bad on my own anyway.” 

“I don’t want to fix you,” Phil whispered as tears started to fall down his cheeks. He wasn’t good with raised voices and high tempers. He never has been and never will be. 

“I’ve never shown any signs of wanting to fix you. I may be ignorant at times because I’m learning still, but you’ve been so nice to tell me what the fuck it’s like to be blind and I’m trying my best to be understanding and not patronizing. Tell me what you want, how can I improve how I treat you, what am I doing wrong? Communicate with me and things will change. I’m not like anyone else in your life, I fucking care about you and I want to know when I’ve pissed you off so I don’t do it again.” Phil continued, calm but still stern, not raising his voice while making his point heard. 

“I want you to love me,” Dan whispered, a tear fell down his cheek and he quickly wiped it off with the back of his hand. “But I don’t want you to leave me just like everyone else has.”

“I want you to let me love you,” Phil replied, with tears fully streaming down his face now. “Let me love all of you, don’t leave me in the dark when you’re feeling like this.” 

Dan got off the bed and grabbed his hand to pull him in closer, he hugged him and put his head on Phil’s shoulder. “It’s fucking terrifying being in the dark all the time.” 

“Sometimes,” Phil said softly, running his hand up and down Dan’s back, “A certain darkness is needed to see the brightest stars.” 

“What?” 

“You’ve been through so much shit and been treated so fucking terribly by so many people in your life that you’re wary of who to trust. Sometimes being in the darkness for so long helps you see the good people in your life. As much as it fucking sucks, you can see people’s true colours.” 

“I think I love you,” he said softly.

“I know that I love you,” Phil replied. 

Dan’s hands ran up Phil’s arms and made their way to rest on his cheeks. He pulled Phil closer and kissed him softly. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’ve spent the whole day getting my new book idea rejected and then I went into a spiral that you’d end up rejecting me too and the second I saw you noticed I’m not having a good day I lost it, you didn’t deserve that.”

Phil rubbed his back again, “it’s okay, sometimes you have to get your feelings out.”

“I promise I won’t yell at you again if I have an issue,” his voice was low and Phil saw tears welling in his eyes. 

“Hey,” Phil whispered, wiping and stray tear from his cheek. “I’m not mad, we’re okay. I’m not upset, you had every right to be upset today.”

“I know I have problems with feeling valid in my own feelings, toxic relationships will do that to you. My therapist and I are working on it, but it still wasn’t right for me to attack you like that today.”

Phil held him tighter, “I love you, it’s okay.”

It felt right to say that finally, to hold him and know that he was in love and that Dan knew it. It felt even better now that Dan had said he loved him back. 

“Come sit,” Dan said, pulling Phil back to the bed. “Let me show you how much I love you.” 

Phil smiled, “okay,” rolled off his tongue in a silky tone that he wasn’t sure he ever made before. 

Dan made him lay against the pillows while he sat on his lap. He cupped his cheeks, feeling his face softly. The pads of his fingers traced his cheeks, over his lips where he dragged the bottom one down just till it slipped back into place. Across his chin and along his jaw where he managed to tilt his head to the side. 

He ran his fingers over the curve of Phil’s ear before slipping into his hair. It was getting long at the sides, he slipped it behind his ear and followed the shape of his quiff. “Can I take your glasses off?” 

Phil nodded, and he felt it with his hands still on the side of his head. Phil slipped them off and placed them on top of Dan’s laptop on the side table. 

Dan leaned in and kissed his forehead. “What’s your prescription?” 

“Minus 3.5 in both eyes,” 

“What do I look like right now?” he asked softly, with his hands trailing down from Phil’s shoulders down his arms.

“You’re close enough to me that I see your beautiful brown curls, and your skin is glowing under the warm room lighting. Your eyes are dark like they’re all pupil. But the rest of your room is just a colourful blur,” he explained softly. 

“I haven’t seen my own face in years.”

His voice cracked, his shoulders dropped and so did his head. He felt Dan’s energy change back to being sad. He looked tired, fed up, exhausted with what he was going through.

“You’re beautiful. I know it it’s not the same but if you’ll let me, I’d like to look at you for the rest of my life, twice as much to make up for it.” 

Dan leaned in and kissed him then. “Look at me.” his voice was low, deep and sexy. “Look at all of me.”

He pulled back and lifted his shirt over his head. 

Phil ran his hands over him. “Turn the lights off.” 

“Why?” Dan sounded confused by the request. 

“I want to feel this. I want to explore you in the dark and fall in love with every part of you.”

Dan leaned in to kiss him so hard their teeth clashed, pushing him back into the pillow and abruptly licking into his mouth. Making out with him more intensely than he had any of the other nights they fucked. 

Only this time they weren’t fucking. 

Phil was going to make love to him. 

Dan pulled him forward by his shirt before pulling it off him. “Alexa. Lights off,” Phil said, a smirk forming on his face as Dan kissed his neck. 

Phil wrapped his arms around his back, lifting him and turning them to press Dan against the pillows instead. He kissed him on the lips, all over his face and down his neck. 

He held up one of Dan’s arms and kissed from fingertips to shoulder. Noticing the little hairs he had on his forearm. There were some freckles and moles that were elevated. The bumps of his elbow made him giggle a bit. His shoulders were bumpy when he reached it like goosebumps had formed. 

Paying attention to everything in the dark was intense. He realized this was how Dan felt, vulnerable, learning with his other senses. 

He did the same to his other arm before exploring his chest. His collarbones were deep when he sucked in in anticipation. His nipples were small and cure, he barely had any hair on his chest. Even all the way down to his belly button. 

He was so soft, he laid his head against his stomach softly and listened. Without thinking, he wrapped his arms around Dan, reaching under him and holding him close and tightly. 

“Are you okay?” Dan asked, running his own hands through his hair. 

“I love you so much,” he whispered. 

“Come back up here.”

Phil sat in his lap this time. They pressed their foreheads together, “did you want to do anything or just explore?” Dan whispered. 

Phil kissed his cheek right beside his mouth. “I want to do anything you want to do.” 

“Then make love to me, fuck me so good I never forget you.”

Phil kissed down his neck, breathing hot on his skin. “I’d have to leave you for you to forget me,” he said, slipping down back to the hem of his track pants. “And I know I’m never leaving you.”

Dan settled into the pillows more, lifting his hips to help Phil peel his pants off. Leaving him naked and exposed in front of him. Phil took his socks off too, kissing from his ankles up to his knee. Spreading his thigs, kissing the inside of them up to his groin. He was so soft and warm that Phil wanted to set up camp here and call it home for the rest of time. 

He kept exploring, more intimate and closer than he’s ever been with another person. Memorizing every curve and divot. Making friends with every freckle and stretch mark and corse hair. 

He was so beautiful, even more so with the lights out.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys, sorry there wasn't a chapter last week. my grandpa passed away and I have been planning his celebration of life with my mom. it's hard to be creative and okay when I'm incredibly sad. 
> 
> however, I have this chapter and chapter 9 done! 9 will go up next week and 10 and 11 might actually just become one big super chapter! i hope you enjoy this one but be careful there are mentions of depression, loss of a family member, domestic abuse and suicidal tendencies. it's a heavy hitter but I hope you like it 
> 
> -grey <3

Post sex cuddling with Dan was possibly his favourite time spent with him. Everything was so quiet, they just held each other in the dark and steadied their breathing. Dan rested on his chest, he snuggled into him as close as he could and he laid the odd kiss to his neck and chest. 

Sometimes they talked, sometimes Dan just hummed songs and twirled his fingers in Phil’s chest hair. Sometimes they put on music or a movie or they went back to sleep. 

But today, Dan huffed out a deep breath of air and rolled onto his back. 

“I have a fucked up mind, Phil, don’t let yours get fucked up by me too,” Dan said, not looking at him at all. Staring off at the wall while he breathed in deeply. 

Phil rolled over and cuddled into him instead. “I get it. I’m fucked up already too.”

“How? How could you already be fucked up?”

“My therapist tells me not to call it fucked up,” he said softly, trying to fight the nerves that were already making his shake. ”She tells me I’m perfectly normal and that this is my normal. But it doesn’t feel like normal, I feel fucked up all the time and I wish more than anything that I could just stop feeling like this and move on and be like most of the other people in the world. Like my brother. I’d like to be his kind of normal.” 

“What’s your kind of normal?” 

“I have Autism, Dan.”

“Well,” Dan said, taking a long pause to rub his hand over Phil’s chest lightly. “I fell in love with this kind of normal. I love all of you.”

Phil kissed the top of his head softly, “thank you.” 

“The same rule you made goes for me now too, if I’m ever ignorant about what you go through please correct me,” he continued. 

Phil just wanted to hold him and never let him go. He never knew what finding love would be like and he always wondered if he’d ever get to know. “I guess you know my secret now.”

“Would you like to know one of mine? Something no one knows?” 

Phil nodded against him, listening to his heart in his chest and feeling the way his chest rose and fell. 

“I know other kids who went blind or were born blind, and so many of them were okay. A lot of them coped easily. Some of them who had like my ‘sister disease’ as it’s called, who went blind around the same time that I did, they got depressed. I know kids who either attempted suicide or were cutters just to feel something again because going blind made them so empty and sad. But I never got sad about going blind.

“I was sad because being blind changed my world and my future. Some of these kids were sad about who they were at that moment. I was sad that I lost my future for a long time. And like, I have been in therapy since I was 6. All the doctors said it was best that I had someone who wasn’t my family to talk to because it’s easier to tell a professional who has a 3rd person view of the situation that I’m so angry all the time that my future was taken from me. 

“I was sad at first, and then it developed into this fiery anger that seemed uncontrollable. And normally I wouldn’t just say this. My dad doesn’t know this. My nan never knew. Ben never knew. But for so fucking long I was angry. So I built up a wall around me, I stopped talking to people and the only person I was able to talk to and feel comfortable like this with, was my therapist.”

Phil wrapped his arms around him tighter, remembering that pressure can relax people and make them feel safe and loved and that’s all that he’s ever wanted Dan to feel.

“I was angry about my autism at one point too. About 6 years after I was diagnosed, it took a while to build but when I finally let myself be angry, I went off pretty hard.”

“Same, like, finally saying out loud why I was angry felt freeing. Even in therapy, Shannon knew I was angry and I’d say that my emotion was anger but I never fully said why. And after a while of keeping it to myself and crying alone in my room at 3 am and just coming to terms on my own that this is my life and I’m fucking angry but I’m going to overcome, and I finally told her why I was angry. And it felt amazing.” 

“Can I tell you why I was angry?” Phil asked softly. 

Dan nodded, “you can tell me anything. I love you,” he said again, like now that he said it he didn’t want to stop.

Phil kissed him softly once more. “I love you too.”

He took a deep breath before starting. “I was bullied for my whole childhood. We kept my diagnosis a secret cause my parents didn’t think it was as severe and didn’t need to be told, and in doing that I was just seen as weird and that hurt the most. I know I was weird, I could recite anything I’ve ever heard back to someone. If I had an interest it easily became an obsession. I have very sensitive hearing and I could hear any conversation around me and if I replied to them with an answer to a question that wasn’t directed at me I was told to fuck off. 

“I heard time and time again that I wasn’t liked. That I wasn’t someone people wanted around and when I was around it was them treating me like a charity case. ‘Be nice to little Philly, he’s different,’ the mums would say. And they didn’t even know I had anything. 

“I was working on a school disco decorating committee once, and we were all going to get ready at one of the member’s houses after we finished decorating. I went to change in the bathroom while all the boys changed in one room because I was both self-conscious and extremely gay. I couldn’t change with them. And when I walked back into the hall and peered around the door to see if I could go back in, they were all talking about me. 

“Eric was the kid people always said could be prime minister, he was that kind of an asshole. And I remember hearing him say ‘does Philip ever shut the fuck up? All he does in mumble and spit out facts he’s the most fucking annoying pretentious fag I know.’ and I just walked right past the door and down the stairs and poured myself a drink and I sat on the couch all by myself like yeah I’m a fucking loser,” he cried softly. 

The tears streamed down his face and Dan took it upon himself to pull him a bit closer to his chest and rub his back and arms softly to calm him down. 

“I didn’t ask for this. I wish more than anything that we had told the school I had a real diagnosis at a younger age. Because if someone told them the reason why I am the way I am and that I have autism and the kids in my classes were told about it and that I’m not weird that I’m not ‘special’, I just can’t read social cues, and I talk a lot, and I’m smarter than any of them could ever fucking imagine being. My life would be so much fucking easier.”

“I’m going to go back in time and kick everyone’s ass for you,” Dan said under his breath.

“No teacher wanted to step in when the weird kid was getting bullied and verbally abused. But if the autistic kid was being attacked, those kids would get fucking suspended and they’d try to be nice to me, they’d probably pity me but honestly, I’d take pity over the bullying.”

“I had the pity,” Dan said softly, rubbing his hand in a circle against Phil’s shoulder. “It does suck, but it doesn’t suck as much as kids thinking they’re better than you.” 

“Exactly. The blow is less. The teasing is unfortunately inevitable as a kid, but if I could go back and lessen the blow, I would.”

“But in a sense, you wouldn’t be you without it,” Dan whispered, “It’s the worst thing in the world to feel worthless and like you don’t fit in. But I love this version of you. I love you for everything you are and everything you’ve been through.”

“I love you,” Phil whispered, trying not to cry any harder than he was. “I like that you get it, that you’re not like anyone else who’s said ‘oh I’m sorry you don’t deserve that.’ I’m glad you’re real about it, like yeah it fucking sucked but it made me who I am and I can’t change it. I’d love to, but in reality, I’ve come to terms with it. You’ve come to terms with who you are and you’re strong and powerful and so cool. And I think it’s pretty hot when you get angry about it, especially when you’re heated about your passion and beliefs. You didn’t just accept how you were treated, you’ve paved a way for yourself and I like this path. I’m glad I’m on it.” 

Dan tilted his chin up, he kissed Phil’s nose, laughing at how badly he missed his mouth before moving lower to kiss him for real. “I like that you get it too.” 

“You can tell me why you were angry too if you want, here, you can have the talking stick,” he whispered with a smile, giggling at the absurdity of sharing their deepest darkest secrets at 2 am, in a dark room, absolutely naked from the activities that took place before. 

“My mum left when I was 6,” he whispered. 

“Really?” 

He nodded softly. “She gave birth to my brother in September of 97, and then I was diagnosed right before Christmas and she was gone in February. My dad said she was going back to uni, that she’d come back when she could. Years went by and she never even called. I was 10 when I finally asked why she left,” he paused for a while. Tilting his head to the side and staring off into space.

“He said ‘sometimes people don’t have enough love in their hearts for a family. And they don’t realize that till after they’ve had the family. So sometimes they leave.’ it was so fucking sad, obviously. 4 years of not seeing my mom and thinking she was coming back only to earn she didn’t love me was hard. I wish he never explained it like that.” 

“It’s kinda fucked up,” Phil agreed. 

“But he was right. She didn’t have enough love for us. Blind or not. When I was 16, my nan, her mother, told me that she was never the type of person who could be a mum. She could mother children, but she’d never had it in her heart and soul to be a mum. And in some ways, I’m glad she left, because I rather not know how much she couldn’t love us than live through it. God only knows who she could have become being forced to be a mum. She could have been an alcoholic, she could have abused us, she could have taken all my disability money.” he took a deep breath then, “She could have killed herself,” he finally said. “Being broken inside cause she left is easier than being broken because she stayed.”

“Was your dad at least good to you?” Phil carefully asked. 

“Oh, he was wonderful,” he smiled. “Honestly, he took me to every doctor’s appointment and specialist, to therapy and to any event I wanted to go to before I got too blind. He did everything he could for me while also taking my brother to football and cross country races. And when I said I wanted a computer to become a real writer he started a fundraiser to get me a good one.”

“I’m glad you have him.”

“We haven’t talked in 3 years,” he whispered like the weight of the words were too heavy to carry in his voice. 

Phil perched his head up to look at him fully, even in the dark he could see that he wasn’t crying but he was visibly sad. 

“He was fine with me being gay, when I came out he was like cool I hope your future husband treats you right that’s all I want. And so when someone came along who didn’t treat me right, and I couldn’t see that I wasn’t being treated right, he called it out. And my boyfriend said I either cut him off or he’d leave me. I picked a man over my dad and since he’s left I don’t know how to reconnect with him.” 

“What do you mean he didn’t treat you right?” 

“Ben liked that I had money, he used me for things,” he explained. “I thought that when you loved someone you bought them things and you let them have a bit of control and he moved in and slowly he took over. He took care of the finances, he controlled how much money I spent on groceries and bills, he didn’t let me buy things for myself, only for him. He’d use my money to buy me gifts. I thought my small disability checks were just cut off, it was like £172 every other month, turns out he was cashing them into my account and then sending himself the money. And he’d always use the same thing on me, ‘you can’t leave me because no one else is ever going to love you like me.’” 

“I want to kick his ass,” Phil spat out, he felt the anger bubble inside him.

“Get in line,” Dan huffed out a laugh. “I said to my therapist one day that he’s lucky I don’t have a car cause I’d hit him with it if I could.”

Phil kissed him again, “It’s a good thing we both don’t drive then.”

Dan groaned and rubbed his face suddenly, “I have to take my medicine, it’s making my brain hurt.”

“I’m hungry, I never had dinner,” Phil replied, sitting up with him. 

“I think we can still order a pizza if you want one?” 

“Sex and pizza? I’m really in love with you now,” he said with a smile before kissing him. 

Dan just shook his head, “come on lover boy, let’s go eat.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always my twitter is @wekingspthings if you wanna talk or see updates on new fics <3


	9. Chapter 9

He woke up to the sound of his phone vibrating against his mattress. The pattern of the sound was the most annoying thing he had ever heard in his life, that's why he set it. If it wasn’t this terrible he’d never answer the phone to get it over with.

“Hello?” he said, groggy and half-asleep, to the point he wasn’t sure why he even answered.

“Hello dear it’s mum, did I wake you?” Kath’s soft voice came through the phone.

“Yeah,” he said, sitting up and rubbing his eyes. He was hunched over, the blankets in a bunch at his middle. He couldn’t even open his eyes yet. “It’s okay though, how are you?”

“I just called to ask how my favourite little boy is?”

“He’s good, he’s also 33,” Phil said softly, reminding her.

“Yes and I’m 62. So you’re considered a little boy to me,” she replied. “However, I’m calling to ask what you are doing for the last week in November?”

He rubbed his eyes, Dan rolled over beside him and groaned at the fact Phil was waking him up too. “Mum I just woke up, I don’t even know what today is.”

“Its November 19th.”

“I work next week, I think. I’m not at home so I don’t have my calendar.”

“Oh?”

He smiled to himself, rubbing the sleep from his eyes and looking over at a blurry naked Dan beside him. “I’m at my boyfriend’s house.”

“Since when? Why haven’t you told me?” she loved to gossip with him, she’d always loved their chats. But even he didn’t know why he hadn’t told her about Dan yet.

He got out of bed, he put on his glasses and Dan’s track pants from last night and walked out of the room. “It wasn’t serious till yesterday, we were just seeing each other but it’s official now.”

“How long were you just seeing each other?”

“Since the middle of October, I think?” he said as he walked, Halpert following him into the kitchen. “He came to the planetarium and needed assistance and we got to know each other slowly, you’ll like him.”

“Well, how would you like to bring him by next week?”

“What?” he said as he opened the cupboard with the dog food and took it out.

“Your father and I are going away for a week and wondered if you or your brother wanted to come over and watch the house for us. You always loved the house on the Isle, come and visit, won’t you?”

He poured a cup of food into a bowl and set it on the floor before leaning against the counter. “I’ll have to ask work, I should have enough vacation days banked.”

“What are you doing right now? I’m hearing weird noises down the phone?” she asked, always changing the topic on him.

“Oh,” he said with a smile, “I just fed Dan’s dog.”

“He has a dog?”

“It’s a guide dog, Dan’s blind.”

“Oh, well the more the marrier. If they can both come they’re more than welcome. I’ll clean out the ground floor guest room for you if you can come,” Phil could hear her smile, she loved nothing more than to meet new people and house them. She should have been a hotel manager with how much she loves to host.

“I’ll ask, and I’ll get back to you Monday after work.”

“Thank you, dear, now get back to your boyfriend. Make him breakfast or something nice! Do you need a pancake recipe? I have a wonderful one,” she rambled, wanting to host even if she wasn’t in the room.

“Mum,” he said softly. “Thank you, I will call you later.”

“Well alright. I love you my little light.”

He smiled at the sound of his nickname, “love you too, mum, bye.”

He put his phone into the pocket of Dan’s track pants, he slid down the counter till he was sitting on the floor. Halpert finished eating and sat right in his lap, licking his face and pawing at his chest.

“You know, if I didn’t love your dad so much already I think you’d be a good selling point.” he whispered, holding Halpert's face in his hands. He kissed him on the nose, “thanks for loving him all these years for me till I got here.”

He snuggled him just a little more before he stood back up and quietly made his way into Dan’s room again. He was sitting up against the headboard with his phone in his hand, he smiled as Phil walked in.

“I was about to call you and ask if you ran out on me.”

“No, I could never,” he whispered as he got back into his side of the bed and cuddled into Dan’s side, Halpert jumped up too and curled into a ball in between their legs.

“Your mum called?”

“Yeah, her and my dad are going on vacation again. She wants me to come over and watch her house for the week.”

Dan hummed, “where is it?”

“The Isle of Man,” he said softly, taking Dan’s hand in his and tracing over his palm and fingers. “She said you can come too, and Halpert obviously. I have to ask Carol for the week off, but I think I’ll go if you want to come.”

“I think a change of scenery would be nice,” he replied, his voice travelled off his lips and into Phil’s ears so smoothly, he felt relaxed and happy, and so very much in love with this man.

“You’ll love it, they live on a hill and it faces the ocean. I loved to sit out there and just listen to the world pass by,” he reminisced, it had been a year since he visited home.

“I could use that right now, I need a new place to write. Being in this house all the time has killed my inspiration.”

Phil hummed along, listening carefully to his words. “They say you’ll know if you’re right for each other after the first time you travel together.”

Dan laughed softly, “I’m sure a 40-minute flight will prove if we’re meant to be together.”

“You’ve never flown with me,” Phil said, sitting up to look him in his eyes. “I like to play games like I-spy.”

“I’m not good at that game, I believe it requires sight,” he said back, a wide grin to match the playful sarcasm.

Phil shook his head lightly with a grin to match Dan’s and leaned in to kiss him. “I love you.”

“I love you more.”

-

They spent the whole morning in bed together, Phil laid against his chest while Dan ran his fingers over his skin in different patterns that Phil had to guess. It was so purely innocent, the way he giggled and held him and kissed the top of his head.

They ordered in Lunch and put on a movie, Phil had never watched a movie with described video before, he actually liked it quite a lot. It was a movie he had seen 8 times in the past but somehow with the voice of a woman describing what’s going on, he realized more about it than he had before.

Experiencing life from Dan’s point of view was interesting. The different tools he had in place in order to use things Phil used all the time was the most interesting part. He had a voice-activated shower so that he could say what temperature he wanted and it would go to it. Google ran his lights in the house. When he used his phone or laptop Siri told him what his notifications were and where his curser was. It was all stuff Phil never thought twice about, but Dan had to.

“My disability is quite obvious, you see the shit I go through, but what’s it like being autistic?” Dan asked, reaching his hand out to hold Phil’s.

“Um,” he said, thinking over what he thought were the most difficult parts. “You probably experience some of this but like everything is so loud all the time. I can hear every noise in the house, I can hear the sound of the bubbles in your pop hitting the glass as they rise to the top, I can hear the fridge makes a weird frequency, every few minutes your toilet makes a weird dribble sound. Everything is so loud all the time.”

“For me, it’s just volume gets heightened when I’m in complete darkness but that sounds very overstimulating.”

“It is,” he said softly, “and sometimes it makes me angry and if noises are too intense I get really snippy and rude.”

“Noted,” Dan said with a smile.

“Also I don’t like certain food textures in my mouth. Like shrimp, most cheese, tomatoes, avocados when they’re not mashed, rice, the list goes on. It all makes me uncomfortable. I also can’t touch velvet without feeling gross. And sometimes brushing my teeth will give me a panic attack.”

“Wow, so it’s a lot of sensory things?”

“Yeah but also I have a hard time with people skills and I obsess over things quite easily,” he admitted, “that’s why I’ve never dated anyone before. No one really wanted to take the time to know me cause I’m a bit strange.”

“You’re not strange, you’re different that’s for sure but that’s a good thing. You’re not a cookie-cutter mould of every other man on earth, you’re you and that’s cool,” his voice was soft and he moved in closer to kiss Phil’s cheek and place his head on Phil’s shoulder.

“I love you,” he whispered, laying his head against Dan’s.

“Yeah, yeah I know.” He felt Dan’s smile against his shoulder. It felt so good to be loved.

_the isle_

He woke up in the middle of the night to an empty bed. The sheets were cold, he had been gone for a while it seemed. Halpert was still at the end of the bed, curled into a ball and unbothered by the world.

He grabbed his glasses from the side table and placed them on his face, he looked around to try and see if Dan was in the room but he wasn’t. The chair in the corner was empty, the bathroom light was off and the door wide open. It was strange.

He got up, putting on pants and his slippers before walking out into the lounge area. Dan was sitting at the desk by the window, the moonlight shining down onto him. He could see the light shining through his curls, his skin a light shade of blue from the laptop screen in front of him and he had his headphones on. He was typing, erasing and re-typing. Phil quietly walked up behind him, looking over his shoulder at what he was writing.

It was a poem, long and beautiful, and about him.

Upon seeing that the title was a familiar phrase he said to Dan in a moment of intimacy, he wasn’t sure if he should read it. He knew it was about him but was it for him?

He read it anyway.

**A Certain Darkness Is Needed - by Daniel Howell**

The darkness is my only vision  
Yet when I met him,  
I saw colours in the way he spoke.

His voice a brilliant blue,  
Soothing like crashing waves  
Much like the beach we once visited.

But sometimes his voice is a violent red.  
Not from anger,  
Nore from hatred.  
But from the immense love it emits,  
Bright and intense in a way I never knew love to be.

Before him, I only knew darkness  
however,  
In the colour in which he fills around the edges  
A certain darkness is needed  
To see who he really is.

He is bright.  
Both in intellect and in aura  
He is euphoric purple.

And suddenly,  
Purple is my favourite colour.

He wrapped his arms around Dan, feeling him startle as he didn’t know Phil was even there. “What are you doing?”

“Letting you know I love you,” he replied, kissing his cheek softly.

“Did you see what I wrote?” he asked.

Phil took Dan’s headphones off him and spun him around in the wheeley chair. He sat down in his lap, cupping his face in his hands, “am I really purple?”

Dan nodded, “what colour would I be?”

He thought for a moment, of all the colours he could be. Bright and orange like the sun. Deep blue like the night’s sky. A ferocious red like the wonderful heart he had.

“You know how there’s that black that absorbs all sunlight? My first word was light, my mom calls me her little light. That black is so powerful and deep and strong that it holds all the energy from the sun inside it, it never fades, it never breaks. It’s so wonderful.”

“Yeah?” Dan smiled.

“You pull me in, you hold me tight, we fit together really well,” he said softly.

He watched Dan’s eyes well up, “yeah,” he choked out. “We really do.”

End.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the end of the fic thank you for reading it i appreciate you all so much <3


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